People who have mental toughness are better at tackling life’s difficulties. Failures or obstacles for them are just useful information that they need to try harder, or try a different strategy – says Doug Strycharczyk, Managing Director at AQR International. In some aspects, mental toughness is a personality trait that is largely determined genetically. There are some people who possess this trait naturally from the moment they are born. However, not all hope is lost! The research shows that we can all grow and develop our mental toughness using our own life experiences.

10 ways to mental toughness

1. Build relationships. Close relationships with family and friends are very important. Accept the help of those who care about you, and offer your help to those who need it.

2. Try not to perceive a crisis as something that you can never recover from. You cannot stop a crisis or tough life experiences from happening, you can, however, influence the way you are interpreting those events. Try to imagine how you would deal with a similar situation the next time it happens.

3. Accept changes as an intrinsic part of life. Sometimes the circumstances are simply unfavourable, and achieving certain tasks is just not possible. Try to accept what you cannot change, and concentrate your efforts on the things that you
can.

4. Give yourself achievable goals. Don’t focus on things that are unobtainable. Think of what you can do today to get you closer to your objective.

5. Focus on your goal. Don’t put your head in the sand hoping that your problems will pass. Show initiative in how to overcome the problems.

6. Find yourself. Difficult situations are an opportunity to learn something new about yourself.

7. Work on a positive perception of yourself. Believe in yourself, and your ability to solve problems.

8. Look into the future. Try to look for opportunities, and look at the wider context of difficult experiences. Try not to exaggerate negative events.

9. Expect the best outcome. Try to look at the world with optimism; this will help you to have a more positive mindset. Think of what you want, and not what you fear.

10. Look after yourself. Pay attention to your needs and feelings. Do things that give you pleasure. Don’t forget about physical activity and good diet.

Based on: www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx

I recently read a book by the American clinical psychologist Dr Elaine Aron, called: ‘The Highly Sensitive Person. How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You’. I found this book both fascinating and healing, partly because of the subject matter itself, but largely because of the way it described me. Yes, as I was turning the pages, I realized this book was about me, as if the author knew me personally! It is not often that I have felt like this while reading a book! In many ways, I have begun to feel an immense sense of relief to discover that many of my personal characteristics were not, as I was made to believe, some kind of a defect, a weakness that needed to be treated and fixed, but simply a natural part of who I am. What’s more, I realized that there are many others just like me.

So what is it all about? We are all different when it comes to tolerance of stimulation. Simply put, our levels of sensitivity can be very different. Elaine Aron calls it in her book ‘sensitivity of sensory processing’. It is a characteristic of the central nervous system, and it is determined genetically. She uses the acronym DOES to describe it further:

D – Depth of processing – highly sensitive people can sense/feel even very weak stimuli and process it cognitively.

O – Overstimulation – it is very easy for us to feel that some stimulation is too much, which can lead to tiredness, irritability, or withdrawing from social situations.

E – Emotional Reactivity and Empathy – highly sensitive people can have a very intense experience of their own emotions and those of others. This can be both good and bad. On the one hand, we can be more aware of what others are feeling but, on the other, that can bring on feelings of being overwhelmed.

S – Sensitive Stimuli – particular sensitivity to sensory stimuli like smells, sounds, or light.

Around 20% of people possess a highly sensitive nervous system. We can have more intense experiences of physical pain, may be more prone to headaches, but also our feelings of guilt or obligation may be much stronger. We can pick up on very subtle signals, and recognize a lack of acceptance, hidden conflicts, or the needs of others. Our nervous system can be easily overstimulated by caffeine, noise, time pressures, or too many tasks. We often find that:

- Other people’s moods strongly affect us
- It is easy for us to start feeling guilty
- We don’t cope very well when we need to complete many tasks at the
same time
- We really appreciate and enjoy art and nature
- Our relationships with others are close and deep
- We do not like movies and programmes filled with violence
- We notice things that others do not
- We often find social situations exhausting
- We find it difficult to fall asleep after an exciting day
- We organize our lives in such a way as to avoid unexpected and
overwhelming situations

A few tips to help highly sensitive souls to cope every day:

Have your own morning ritual – don’t force your sensitive nervous system to confront the stimulating world too quickly. Get up a bit early to take time to enjoy your morning coffee, and have your breakfast without having to rush.

Avoid too many tasks/commitments and time pressures – try to estimate beforehand how much time you need to complete certain tasks, and give yourself even more time than you estimated.

Prepare yourself for big changes – like new relationships, or a new job. Anticipate the consequences and different ways that things can go. Have patience and understanding for yourself. Highly sensitive people will find such changes more costly.

Avoid overstimulation of your sensitive nervous system – don’t watch too much television, switch off the ads, avoid noisy places, shop locally or on-line instead of visiting a big shopping centre.

Find your place – live far from traffic noise, get a job that gives you some ‘breathing space’, go for walks in the park of forest, go on holidays.

Meditate or practice mindfulness – you will hush your nervous system and allow yourself to find balance

Find your anti-stressors – it can be a chat with a close friend, a nice cup of tea, prayer, or even staring at a tree. Do it as often as you need to.

Have evening rituals – to help your nervous system to calm down after a stimulating day. This could be a warm bath, reading a bit of a good book, or having a hot chocolate.

Don’t compare yourself to others – Think about the specifics of your nervous system, like it, and make good use of it.

The world seems to be constructed in such a way that high sensitivity is treated like a flaw which prevents people from becoming successful, and the people who are confident, competitive, immune to criticism, and less sensitive, are the ‘preferred type’. However, as Elaine Aron points out in her book, even though our culture was shaped by less sensitive warriors and kings, aggressive, impulsive and hungry for power, they would have all killed each other if it wasn’t for the quiet support of their priests, spouses, parents, philosophers and artists, who would encourage them to stop, slow down, and consider the more subtle aspects of their reality. I agree with Elaine Aron when she writes that in order to survive and bloom, societies need people who feel more intensely, and who can carefully examine the present in order to see the opportunities as well as the threats awaiting in the future.

I love movies, and I try to go to the cinema as often as I can. I love settling into a comfortable seat whilst the lights around me are slowly dimmed into darkness, and then it is just myself and the film that I can immerse myself into. While most of us watch movies mainly for entertainment, it has been recognized that they can also have therapeutic value. I think most of us can recall seeing a film that we found really moving, although sometimes we may not immediately know why. Films can be a great starting point for a conversation about emotions and needs. It creates a safe space in which to talk about what we think, and how we feel, because we are not talking about ourselves, but about the characters in the film.

It can also be a diagnostic tool. When we are watching a movie we are projecting ourselves, our emotions, experience, and knowledge onto the screen. What we give particular attention to says a lot about our own needs. Different people can be affected by the same film in many different ways.

Sometimes we watch a film which can evoke certain feelings and emotions quite unexpectedly. It is good to look at those, and ponder why these particular feelings were brought to the surface for us.

Sometimes a therapist may suggest a particular film to a client, so that it can be used to begin a conversation about some difficult issues.

A film does not have to be an award winning masterpiece in order to have a therapeutic effect. When we are watching a movie, our reality, and the sense of what is real, is temporarily suspended. As viewers, we identify with the characters in the film, and perceive what happens in the film as our own experiences. What is important psychologically is that we tend to process the content of the film on an emotional level, rather than in a cognitive way. This is why it is often much easier to cry over events in a film, than over what happens in real life.

Using films in therapy can be quite useful. Nowadays we have wide access to all sorts of movies old and new, and they are becoming an integral part of our lives and culture. Even if we are not in therapy, we all watch movies, and we may as well allow them to bring some positive changes into our lives. A film can help us to understand the nature of the problem, and give us some ideas of how it can be tackled, and allow some hope for a positive outcome. We can watch the characters choosing ways of dealing with problems, and consider those methods without the risk of undertaking them ourselves. A film can also be a safe way of starting a dialogue. Sometimes, when the problem is difficult, it might be easier for us to look at it as somebody else's dilemma, rather than our own.

Or we can just settle down, relax, and watch a movie for the pure enjoyment of it!

A lot has been written about the power of positive thinking, and at first glance it seems very, well, positive. It would be difficult to carry on or even get through the day if we did not believe that at some point, some day, things will work out just fine. With the growing popularity of self-help books and life coaches, we are often led to believe that anything is achievable, as long as we put our mind to it. Well, what is wrong with that? Surely, we want the best for ourselves and our families, and as counsellors we want the best for our clients. Yet, over the years, I have often experienced a growing discomfort around what I call extreme positivity and uncurbed enthusiasm, popularized by motivational speakers, coaches and other people I know. For a long while, I found that I could not quite understand or explain that discomfort, which would often grow into deep annoyance. Am I simply jealous? Or am I rejoicing in cultivating a little bit of misery and suffering in the dark corners of my heart? Or is it, perhaps, that I do not quite believe the pep talk? Maybe it is all three, but I would like to look at the believing part here. A popular Polish writer, Slawomir Mrozek, wrote a story about a man who could achieve his goals by wanting them hard enough. He did not have musical talents or voice, but when he wanted it really badly, he could sing beautifully. He did not speak a word of English, but when he concentrated really hard on his desire to speak it, he was able to speak fluently. This was of course a comedy, but it reminds me somewhat of motivational theories. As long as you know what you want, you want it badly enough, and believe that you can do it, that is the key to success. I am sure it sells well, because it sounds easy. I have to be honest. I am not comfortable with that, neither am I convinced. All those things are of course necessary, but is that enough? Is visualizing your goals, and having a firm belief in success enough? Many motivational theories would have us believe that it is all up to us, in our hands, and that our desire to obtain certain things, or achieve certain goals, is in itself enough. This may not necessarily be the case. What about our environment, and the external conditions, that can either foster or interfere with our plans? Sometimes, the environment can be difficult to change. Finally, what about our competencies and skills? After all, we must have the ability to do whatever it is that we want to achieve, or have a contingency plan. Can positive thinking obscure that somewhat? And, what is the price to pay?